Listen to your eating disorder..

..and then do the opposite.

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It's National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. This blog plays a small part in my personal recovery, and as someone who been pulled in and out of the destructive mental mind game that is bulimia for the past five years, I can say with certainty that the general public's perception of eating disorders is.. disordered. 

For those of you who know someone close to you with an eating disorder- take some time to educate yourself about the best ways to help. 

I'm in a better place at the moment, but I wouldn't say that I'm recovered. I'm not the best person say that if you do X, Y, Z you'll get past it like I did. Because I haven't yet. 

But I'm getting there.

Why am I so awkward?

WARNING:

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Is a platonic girlfriend finder for girls a thing? If yes, then..

1. That is SUCH a sad thing

2. How do I sign up?

It's been just about three years since I walked away from a really fun group of girlfriends that was unfortunately split by some unfortunate drama. I was basically just a bystander during that tumultuous time, but the experience was exhausting and things were never the same. I made up a reason to take a break and haven't been back since. I still have a few girlfriends, but our lives all seem to be so very different now, we are physically far away from each other, and I see us growing farther apart as time goes on. 

I've finally learned to say no to the things that always felt like "no choice," because everything is a choice and few things are actually obligations. I'm a lifelong introvert and savor the abundance of me-time when I'm not at work. Lately though, I miss have more choices and things to say yes to, particularly when it comes to relationships with other people. 

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Maybe it's not just me. Seattle has a reputation apparently..

I've fallen

Time to get up.

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First the good. Marathon training has been (pretty) good and consistent. Work has also been good. I'm finally feeling settled more often than not, which is huge for me.

Now the bad. Remember those resolutions came up with at the start of the new year? Yeah.. me neither apparently. I haven't cracked open a book in weeks, that whole "eating clean" thing isn't really a thing as of late, and I find myself falling into the internet hole at home as a way of postponing whatever more important task I should be doing.

Time for a little reset.

I've re-enabled my "bad" site blockers, and installed the application on my second "cheat" browser. I'm going to go back to blogging every day, like I was doing in January. I find I need that daily outlet, which also works to help keep me accountable with my other daily goals.

More water. More vegetables. Less bread and pasta and sweets. Much less.

Wish me luck.

Pining for summer

I don't do "throwback Thursdays" but I suppose this is sort of that. I'm missing summer in a serious way. That photo above was taken last June or so, when I was forced to learn how to mow a lawn for the first time after my husband broke his arm.

Turns out I love it. I'm not a big gardener, but pushing our little mower in the warm sun for an hour was became my favorite chore, and I got instant gratification in seeing the backyard become neat and tidy. 

The best part was lounging in the hammock to survey my work, warm and relaxed and happy.

I'm a hot weather beach girl by nature, and I start counting down to summer the second I'm forced into a sweater. It's a wonder I'm still here in the PNW.

Stop making excuses

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This. This. This. This This. This.

I originally read that quote as motivation to stick to my workouts, and to eat healthy, but it's a great reminder to STOP WAITING to start working on something. 

If I could go back in time and talk to me a year ago, I would tell her to work out at least 15 minutes a day starting now, to cut the diet soda chemical crap she chugs starting now, to spend less money and live frugally starting now, to write her thoughts starting now.

Me a year later sure would appreciate it. 

I'm just gonna go ahead an pat myself on the back right now for the last month of sticking with all of these great lifestyle changes, but it sure would be nice if I'd have stuck with it starting last year.

As time passes, I realize that life isn't going to get any more "ideal" to start working on my goals. I'm only going to get older, and I don't want to wait until I'm old to accomplish the things on my list.

I haven't had a perfect day at all in the last month, but it sure is a hell of a lot better than having a day where I did nothing.

And scene.

Choose to be Happy Monday

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When did Monday become a four letter word? The last place I worked had me in constant contact with quite a few "Happy Monday!!" people, and my response was always "uugghhghhhh..."

Now I want to be one of them.

I had a pretty good Monday actually. Got up nice and early, went for a six-mile run and thought about how just maybe I'll survive that marathon in June, ate mostly clean, checked things off my list at work and spent some quality time with the husband in my cozy house. 

I'm still counting down the days until the Saturday, as usual, but at the very least, Monday still gives me one more day to work towards my goals. After today, I'm that much more trained for my race, I have another day of money-making and money-saving, and I'm one day closer to my next adventure. 

And next Monday I'll be EVEN closer!

I'm not sure exactly what I'm counting down to yet, but every day that I'm here and working and sticking the plan means that I'm moving forward. 

One for every day

bloggin' time!

You guys, it's friday night and I'm feeling good and happy in this fab chair that my husband brought home while I was at work. I hate sitting upright in a desk, so I'm looking forward to posting more from this comfy spot soon!

And speaking of posting, this marks the end of January's NaBloPoMo... and I did it! This time last month I decided to kick off this blog by posting ever day in January. I'm proud of myself for sticking to this goal. Writing regularly, even if it's something silly, has been hugely helpful in getting myself out of my head and that is often swarming with worry and stress. Not all days are perfect, but I'm learning to recognize the good in each day, and plan for the adventures I want to have before I'm old.

Thanks for reading friends. Though I can now check off January's daily blogging goal, I definitely plan to be back here often.

Think happy today

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I have a feeling that today is just going to be one of those stay-positive-and-get-through-it days. 

Yesterday's post (and many before it) centered around centered around dreams for the not too distant future. While I believe that having defined and lofty goals is essential for finding happiness, that vivid and opposite picture of where I could be right now makes the things that I don't like about present life that much more apparent.

That is not a good thing.

For me and for you, remember to recognize the positive things about today, so that when you finally get to where you're going, you can look back with fondness instead of regret.

Your stuff is stopping you

Balian Beach house

You can probably tell from my previous posts that I'm particularly wanderlusty at the moment. I've dreamed of spending time away for years, and have never managed to sneak in much longer than two weeks away from home.

I get tend to get dreamy about travel when major life elements are in a state of unknown, as they are right now with my husband between jobs. I'm not terribly worried about making the mortgage payment - we've prepared for this - so he has the ability to be a little more selective about his next job.

Lately he's gotten a couple leads from places that would allow him to work remotely. It would likely be less that he could be making in a traditional office setting, but nothing to shake a stick at.

And in someplace like Thailand, or Bali, we could be pretty comfortable on just his income.

For years and years, the thought of running away to explore has always been at the front of my mind, but nothing that we'd ever actually do. We have a lot of "stuff" keeping us here - house, stuff in house, dogs, cats, animals, family that we help support.. but lately we've both been talking more seriously about what we can do to release ourself for this stuff. If we didn't have these tying us down, we'd be gone yesterday.

That beach house in the picture above was from one of my favorite stops in Bali - that hammock was the living room, the bathroom was off to the side and constructed out of old green beer bottles, and I slept in the room up top that I couldn't quite stand up straight in while the couple that I was traveling with stayed in the main bedroom below. The house sat in the middle of a rice field, and the beach was just a small stroll away. The guy that we rented the house from did his best to teach us how to surf. When we were hungry we'd walk to an outdoor warung and have breakfast or lunch or dinner and say hello to the owner's pet monkey. I don't think we spent more than $10 a person per day on the house and food. We only spent a few days in Balian, and it was the most rustic stop along the way, but it's probably one of the first places I'd re-visit if we do make a break for it.

Home love

I think Seattle knows how much I've been wanting to run away abroad lately, and it's taunting me with beautiful sunny days like this in January. Life will keep me here a couple years longer at least, and my plan is to get as much quality time in with this place as possible. 

Don't worry, city, you'll always be my one, true love.

I am...

I am... a very big dreamer.
I want... an adventure around the world.
I have... a husband that I adore. 
I wish... I had taken more risks when I was younger.
I hate... sitting in traffic for more than 30 minutes.
I fear... that I'll never take a leap of faith.

I hear... myself argue in my head about every tiny decision.
I search... for a sign of what I'm supposed to be doing in life.
I wonder... if I'll get to be old and gray.
I regret... not having been a little more daring and reckless when I was younger.
I love... my little family that I get to come home to every day.
I ache... when I've truly given it my all in a race.
I always... try to understand both points of view.
I usually... am a healthy eater. Usually, but not always. 
I am not... going to be satisfied until I've explored the world.
I dance... any chance I can.
I sing... horribly on purpose in the car to make my husband laugh.
I never...want want to wake up as an old woman never having had an adventure.
I sometimes... think about how nice it would be to settle down and start a family.
I cry... when I'm overwhelmed by stress.
I am not always... walking my talk.  
I lose...myself in planning when I have an idea.
I am confused... whenever my husband tries to talk to me about programming languages.
I need... to stop worrying.
I should... spend more time with my family.

 *thanks to Shine or Set for the post inspiration :)

Internet Diet

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I'm one of those smug people who don't have cable and can go off on a tangent at the drop of a hat about how having a TV in the bedroom is soooo bad for you. My husband and I just aren't huge TV people. We will binge watch a beloved series on occasion or a movie we meant to catch in theaters, but for the most part, the one TV in hour house is usually off.

*Pats self of the back for only having one TV in the house vs. the American average of three.*

Just don't ask me about the internet.

Ok then, if I'm going to be honest with myself about my bad digital habits, then yes, I have an unhealthy relationship with the internet.

We may only have one TV, but we do have two laptops, a desktop, and iPad and two iPhones. Am I guilty of browsing Facebook on my iPhone while scrolling through Pinterest on my laptop? Yes.

I haven't crafted, purchased, or cooked 90% of the things I've pinned, or implemented more than one or two of the life hacking articles skimmed. I don't watch any of the reality shows that the gossip sites scrutinize, the news I read is of little personal interest to me and forgotten within minutes, and the life updates I scroll through from "friends" on Facebook are composed of updates from people I rarely or never see in real life. The internet is the new TV, for me anyway, and now that I've recognized that I'm not as digitally healthy as I should be, I know I need to find ways to stop using the net to avoid and postpone real life.

I'm going try a little something this week that I think will have a positive effect on my productivity. It's called "don't spend so much damn time on the internet."

I do need to be online for work and creating this blog, so I'm not going to ban myself entirely. The idea is to be mindful of avoiding the places that have me avoiding my to-do list, or even just the moment because I'm so busy checking in on other peoples' moments.

Aroundabouts this time next week, I'll be back with an update! Time to break out a real live book and enjoy me breakfast.

An exercise in looking on the bright side

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I had a bad day. I don't want to talk about it.

I'm going to try something else instead..

1. Work - my team is awesome, I'm treated very well, and I've never had so much fun at a job. Ever. I love working with people who CARE!

2. Training - I've exercised 14 out of 15 days since the new year.

3. Husband - we've never been closer and on the same page as we are now. I'm feeling super supported by him, and he's the reason why I'm writing now, as opposed to avoiding life or accepting sadness.

4. Nutrition - I've done more healthy meal prep in the last 3 weeks than I have IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

5. Family - it's awesome to have married into a family that hugs and says things like "I love you." It's still totally weird to me, but in a good way. I'm learning how to hug.

6. Pets - my dog is getting snuggier by the day as he hits doggie middle age. He's becoming a fluffy, blobby little old man and I love him.

7. Finances - making leaps and bounds toward financial freedom (aka major life choice flexibility) every year. I see the light.

That totally worked. Mission accomplished. Night everyone. Tomorrow is a new day.

Getting over the impostor effect

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I just spent the last few hours editing pictures from a photo shoot I did last week. I'm not a photographer. I just happen to have a nice camera and sometimes shoot boudoir for friends, because the only thing worse then posing in your underpants for a stranger is paying $500 to pose in your underpants for a stranger.

Every time I do shoot, I worry that my "clients" will discover that I'm actually terrible at this. I felt that way last week when taking pictures for a friend. "Oh God, just act like you know what you're doing. Maybe something will turn out ok. Thank goodness I'm doing this for free, otherwise she would demand that I pay her for wasting her time."

I didn't look at the pictures all week. I dreaded the editing process, convinced that my lack of talent would be extremely obvious.

But it wasn't.

They looked great.

A little crop here, a tiny adjustment to the highlights there, and suddenly three hours had passed. I could have kept editing for another three hours, as I had ended up with so many shots that I'd be proud to share.

I suffer from impostor syndrome. I was convinced that the good shots from my first four photo shoots had been flukes, and eventually I'd end up doing a shoot with nothing to show but apologies. Now, after my fifth session behind the camera, I'm recognizing that I have a style, a good eye for lines and posing, and the ability to ease my friends' nerves while in a vulnerable position (literally). I'm pretty good at post-production too.

I still wouldn't call myself a photographer. Not yet anyway.

But I'm getting pretty good at this.

So far so good

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Ok folks, we are 10 days in to 2014! Let's see how we're doing with those resolutions we were so excited about just a short time ago..

• Move every day - so far so good! Most days I do a real workout for an hour, other days do the bare minimum 15 minutes, like tonight after a long day at the office and 2 Downton Abbeys. Obviously I'd love it if I trained hard every day, but I'm happy to say that I've done something every day. My handy app has been super helpful in keeping me motivated.

• Read at least 10 minutes a day - also on target. I love unplugging every day, even if it's just for 10 minutes.

• Post to the blog at least 3 times a week - bonus points here, I'm blogging every day! I'm participating in BlogHer's NaBloPoMo, which means that I'm blogging every day in January. 

• Eat in and bring lunch to work more often - we've eaten at home every night this week, thanks in huge part to the meal prepping I did over a week ago. I'm planning another batch of freezer meals this weekend. Eating out while at work hasn't been so great, as in I usually spend money every day. Sometimes I just need to get out of the office! This one needs a bit of work.

• Work on my marriage - we had a good week :)

• Spend 10 minutes a day on cleaning and chores - doing well here too. Some nights I just do a quick pickup in a room or around the house, but my bathroom has never stayed this tidy this many days in a row!

• Respond to personal messages timely - meh. I'm doing.. ok. I don't know why but this is one I just have the hardest time with. I don't like responding to personal messages when I'm at work, but then when I'm not at work it feels like responding to my backlog of messages is work, and I don't want to do it. I've found some success with the whole "do something x minutes every day" thing, so I may set up a new habit to spend 5 or 10 minutes on responding to things daily.

• Eat clean - doing ok, could be better. I work in one of those super cool offices with basically a free minimart for a kitchen, and toward the end of the week when I start losing my "eat clean yay!" oomph, I'm reaching for the fake healthy stuff like chocolate Clif bars and wheat thins. I've managed to stay diet soda-free all week, and have successfully made the switch to plain fizzy water. Next week I'd like to refocus on swapping out the processed stuff for whole foods. And MORE JUICING!

• Stress less about work - ups and downs here. I started the week with a ton of anxiety for whatever reason, and ended the week feeling pretty happy with what I accomplished. 

• Spend less money - the jar system (I swear I'll explain one of these days) is doing it's job and keeping me conscious of what I'm spending every day. 

So, I'm not a completely different person than I was on December 31st, but I do feel like I'm taking little steps forward every day toward being that happy, fit, healthy, optimistic, responsible and financially sound woman I aspire to be. I don't expect to change overnight, but I'm getting there. Baby steps!

How are YOU doing with your resolutions? Making progress?

Things you'll regret when you're old. Or tomorrow.

My husband sent this to me today while I was at work: Those Top 37 Things You'll Regret When You're Old. We've been doing a lot of reflection of life and what makes us happy lately.

I'm a couple years away from 30, so I'm hardly considered old. But not everyone gets to be old. If I could somehow see into the future and find out that tomorrow was my last day, these are the things from the list that I'd regret:

1. Not traveling when you had the chance.

It would not be an overestimation to say that I've thought about traveling around the world at least 20 times a day for the past 3 years. 

2. Not learning another language.

Five years of Spanish used in 0 practical settings.

6. Being scared to do things.

This.

7. Failing to make physical fitness a priority.

It always comes and goes, but has never been consistent. 

10. Not trying harder in school.

My only focus in college was to be done as quickly as possible so that I could get on to working in the real world. Three years later, I had a bachelor's degree in a discipline that has added no value to my profession, zero college friends, and zero happy undergraduate memories. Wasting that experience has always been one of biggest regrets.

11. Not realizing how beautiful you were.

Don't. Take. Compliments. Well. Everyone is prettier/skinnier/more beautiful than me. 

15. Caring too much about what other people think.

This this this.

16. Supporting others’ dreams over your own.

Or rather others' dreams FOR me. I'm still trying to figure out what my genuinely are.

19. Not standing up for yourself.

I've had a lot of opportunities here, and nearly always take the peaceful route. Ok, always. 

22. Missing the chance to ask your grandparents questions before they die.

This hit home yesterday, when I found out that my grandmother (who I haven't seen for 8 years) is in the ICU. Now I'm frantically trying to plan a trip to the Philippines with my husband so that he can meet her. I wish it wasn't under these circumstances.

23. Working too much.

I've inherited this from my parents. I've been working full time since I was 16 with no more than 2 weeks off at a time (though I'd obsessively check and respond to emails on my phone, from Italy or Bali or wherever I was trying to escape). 

26. Failing to finish what you start.

If I had kept going I'd be done by now.

31. Never taking a big risk (especially in love).

I'm the safest person I know, and sometimes that's disappointing.

33. Worrying too much.

To the point where sleeping is a problem. 

35. Not spending enough time with loved ones.

I'm calling my mom and little brother tomorrow.

Out with a bang and starting fresh

I love the new year, and that ultimate "starting fresh" feeling that comes with symbolically letting go of last year and planning adventures for the next. Our anniversary is on New Years Eve, and so we always make a point to go big when it comes to the celebration. Last night was no exception - lots of surprises, fun, and indulgences, and in general just an amazing experience with my husband. Ending 2013 with such a bang has energized me at the start of 2014.

Though it's back to the office and life as usual tomorrow after a nine day staycation, I'm looking forward to putting in the work to truly be happy this year. My resolutions are to:

• Move every day - the daily goal is to do some exercise at least 15 minutes a day, even if its just a walk. With a marathon on the calendar and a return to cross fit this month, I expect to do much more training most days, but this goal is designed to give me an "at the very least" daily minimum. Exercise has a huge effect on my mood and lowering my stress. This goal is as much to look good and feel good with those happy exercise hormones.

• Read at least 10 minutes a day - again, this is a daily minimum to create healthy, long term habits. I hope to get in much more time!

• Post to the blog at least 3 times a week - sharing can be scary, but two weeks in, and I can tell that this whole blogging thing is good for me.

• Eat in and bring lunch to work more often - planning and prepping meals in advance should help with this one. 

• Work on my marriage - this involves a few different things, but generally this means purposefully connecting with my husband when life gets chaotic for either or both of us. 

• Spend 10 minutes a day on cleaning and chores - a little bit every day so that weekends feel less like work days. 

• Respond to personal messages timely - my work involves a ton of quick communication online, and because of this I tend to avoid responding to messages from family and friends right away because it feels like work. I don't plan to be at the mercy of my inbox, but a few minutes of dedicated messaging each daily will be better than feeling guilty about not responding to things.

• Eat clean - less processed stuff, more of the good stuff - juicing, home cooking, tea, and raw foods.

• Stress less about work - I'm not quite sure yet how to go about this. I think most of my anxiety about work comes from the fact that I'm still fairly new at my company. Just getting through the year focused on doing a good job will go far, and reminding myself that I don't have to be perfect.

• Spend less money - we're going back to our jar system starting today. I'll create a post about this in a bit, but it's a method I made up last year that helps us budget our individual, non-essential spending. The system works when we're both on board, but we got lazy about it as life got crazy in the last 6 months. 

It seems like a lot, and statistics say that I will probably fail at all of these, but I'm feeling particularly optimistic and motivated these days. We will see..

Back to normal

I'm happy to announce that just about 24 hours after surgery, the poofy cheeks are gone and I'm feeling at 100%, except for the whole not being able to chew my food part. The above is my "back to normal" face, and while I did take a post-surgery selfie, I won't be posting it here. I didn't lose the baby fat in my face until well into my adult years, after discovering regular exercise and healthy eating habits, and so my post-surgery face was basically me, circa 2004.

As justifiably lazy as I've been the last day and a half, my brain has been in full planning mode for 2014. I've never created new years resolutions before, other than the vague lose weight or eat better. This list is in progress and I'll post it in the next few days, but like this blog, the resolutions are going to work towards the goal of being happy, healthy and balanced. These are the life areas that I'm going to focus on, with a goal or habit in each area:

• Career
• Family
• Finances
• Fitness
• Friendships
• Health
• Home
• Marriage
• Mental Health
• Travel

I have a few ideas jotted down in each category so far, and I'm continuing to brainstorm. Stay tuned for the full list before the new year!

-M